


I'm not...

by SariiaMidnes



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 10:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17042411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SariiaMidnes/pseuds/SariiaMidnes
Summary: Everytime he saw things about people being suicidal, it was always someone who had made an attempt. Successful or not. He had whined and joked with his friends but he knew they didn't suspect anything yet.Everytime he heard about people with depression, they were sad all the time. He was told of people who couldn't get out of bed in the morning due to a crippling and sometime unexplained sadness."But I'm not."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lol sup my names Ashton and I'm hella projecting onto Felix👌👌👌 uhhh yeah sorry if anybody come off as ooc. Trying to write for people I don't know personally is hard for me to do. Oof uhh enjoy? I feel so bad for taking this out on Felix and Skz, but their music has given me light on dark days and I feel like I can communicate my struggles through them like they do with their music.

Every time he saw things about people being suicidal, it was always someone who had made an attempt. Successful or not. He had whined and joked with his friends but they passed it off as the humour younger kids seemed to have these days.

I want to die.

Everytime he heard about people with depression, they were sad all the time. He was told of people who couldn't get out of bed in the morning due to a crippling and sometime unexplained sadness. 

I want to sleep and never wake up.

"But I'm not." Felix stared into the mirror and sighed. Every time he looked at himself in the mirror he was startled. He never seemed to recognise himself anymore. Sad eyes, dark circles under his eyes and permanently messy hair. He wasn't Lee Felix anymore. No, he was someone else pretending to be the one that his friends and family cared for. He was a parasite that was just draining his loved ones of life until they couldn't give him anymore. 

Felix wasn't suicidal, not in his eyes anyways. He had never made an attempt. Sure he thought about it sometimes, wondering if his death would allow his friends and family to have better opportunities in life. Sure they would be sad, but they would move on. Everyone does eventually.

"I'm not..." Felix murmured to himself before walking out of the bathroom and into the waiting arms of his friends and bandmates.

Felix wasn't depressed. There was no way. He very frequently felt happy, the jokes and mere presence of his bandmates seemed to be enough to lift him out of his self loathing haze. With his friends, Felix felt normal. Felix felt happy, even if he felt he wasn't good enough for them sometimes. Sure, whenever Felix was alone he slipped into a downward spiral of self hate and visions of his loved ones thriving after he was gone, but that didn't make him depressed. It didn't fit with what the world told him depression was. He wasn't sad, he just wasn't happy either. 

 

 

Felix had broken his ankle. He couldn't dance, couldn't practice the choreography he knew he desperately needed to. They had a comeback in two weeks. His ankle wouldn't be better for six. The rest of the boys were stressed. Felix couldn't dance so the hole left for him threw off the rest of the members. Still they refused to modify the choreo to make up for Felix's absence.

Despite their adamance, after the third time Jeongin had crashed into Jisung while misjudging the amount of space needed for Felix, Jisung stormed out of the room claiming that he needed more water. Chan called for a break and everyone dispersed. Everyone broke up into smaller groups, talking amongst themselves about smaller problems they had noticed in one another's dancing. Felix could only sit by and watch from a chair in the corner of the practice room. Tears welling in his eyes, he grabbed his crutches and worked his way to his feet, well… foot. 

He made some lame excuse about checking on Jisung, giving Chan a small smile before making his way to a bathroom. Felix stared himself down in the mirror. Ugly. Untalented. Waste of space. Parasite.

He regretted looking in the mirror. 

 

 

By the time Felix got back to the practice room, Jisung had gotten back and the group had continued working on the choreography together. Within the time he was gone, the group had managed to fix Jeongin and Jisung's problem with the space left for Felix in the bridge of the song. Watching them all work so well and seamlessly together made Felix both proud and sad. Maybe they didn't need him after all. At the end of dance practice, Felix told Chan something about pain in his ankle flaring up. Chan, ever trusting and kind in his position as leader, told Felix to go back to the dorm and rest. Chan would make up an excuse for Felix to miss the rest of their vocal classes and Felix's extra Korean lessons later that day.

Felix didn't quite know how to feel. Abusing Chan's kindness was never the first thing he had imagined himself doing. Hell, it wasn't even the third or fourth, yet Felix had done it. Using his kind leader's faith for Felix to go and do something that he knew would would put the group in a bad spot for the moment. But the more he thought about it, the more Felix realized that he truly had no purpose in the group.

Chan was the ever kind leader and one of three musical producers in the group. Woojin was a stable and kind soul with a honey smooth voice. Seungmin too, had a beautiful voice. Both he and Woojin were probably sirens in another life, their left over magic still clinging to their souls and granting them with beautiful voices. Changbin was yet another one of the three producers, but that wasn't all. He was constantly praised for his rapping abilities and definitely deserved the title as one of the group's visuals. Though if Felix were honest, everyone in the group deserved that title. 

Minho was a wonderful dancer, he and Hyunjin being part of danceline with him. Though Felix felt as though those two should have been considered dance line by themselves. Felix could never hope to compare to them. Jisung was the final music producer of the group. He was the mood maker. He was funny and bright and everything Felix wished he could be. 

Finally Jeongin. His dear sweet dongsaeng. The small and precious maknae. Jeongin had everyone's love. Sure everyone could get frustrated with him, but he never had to worry about the others affection toward him. If anything the only thing he really had to worry about was the excessive amount of affection he got from the rest of the members on a daily basis. He would miss everyone, but Felix worried the effect of what he was about to do would weigh on Jeongin the most. He Was too young to deal with Felix's problems. Yet here Felix is, about to dump his problems onto everyone else because he couldn't handle it anymore. 

The boys wouldn't be home for a few hours. They would come into the dorm, loud and excited. They would come bearing food and cheering for Felix despite the hard time they had in preparation for the next comeback. They would be worried for Felix, hoping he hadn't been hurting too bad while they weren't there to care for him. They didn't deserve this, but Felix didn't either. He didn't deserve their care and their love. He didn't deserve their thoughts and praise. Felix was a parasite and he was drinking them dry. 

Felix wrote one letter to the group as a whole. He told them about how he felt. How he didn't want them to cry for him. They were better off without him anyways. He wrote a separate letter to Chan. He apologised for taking advantage of Chan. For working his way into their group and leeching off of their success. For making Chan care about him just so Felix could achieve his dream even if he didn't deserve it. He told Chan especially to not worry about him. Felix was a religious man. He knew that committing suicide was a sin. But Felix continuing to drag the others down weighed heavier on his soul. Maybe God would forgive him if he let him know how noble his cause was. To rid his loved ones of an unneeded burden. 

He finished Chan's letter with his final wish.

The boys had to stay together. They had to move on and continue as they were truly meant to be. Eight wonderfully talented boys. Eight angles minus one insignificant leech grabbing at the coattails of their talent in a desperate attempt to make something of himself. 

 

 

Felix eyed his bottle of painkillers. His ankle did still hurt. 

 

He morbidly wondered if he took enough, if it would cancel the potential pain of his organ shutting down while he was still awake. Felix pondered if he should throw some of Chan's sleeping meds in with the painkillers. Maybe it would ease his way out some. 

 

 

He grabbed the bottle, twisting open the cap and spilling a large amount of small white pills into his hand. It only took eight or nine to potentially overdose, but Felix held a rough estimate of twenty in the palm of his hand.

 

 

He made himself a cup of tea and tucked himself into Chan's bed. If he was going to go, he would at least partake in one last undeserved pleasure. He breathed in the faint scent of the one who helped his rough transition into the life of an idol. 

Chan, who believed in him no matter what. 

Chan, who spoke to him in his Aussie accent and gave him just enough of home to get by. 

Chan, who gave him everything when he deserved nothing. 

Chan, who gave him the rest of Stray Kids and a lifetime's worth of beautiful memories that he wished to have repeated for eternity in his own personal heaven. If he ever got one after what he was about to do. 

 

 

 

Felix checked the time on his phone. Two hours until the boys were home. He only needed thirty until the pills would start to dissolve inside his stomach. Felix started up a playlist of his group's songs before downing the handful of pills and washing them down with disgustingly sweet, scalding hot tea. He wasn't depressed and he wasn't suicidal, there was not way. But as he felt the pills move down his throat, he thought... Maybe he was.

 

 

 

Felix pulled the covers up to his chin and drifted off into sleep. He would miss the boys, but they would move on. They were strong. 

 

 

 

 

Felix fell into a final sleep with a small smile and the the belief that they boys would be okay without him.

 

 

 

 

 

They weren't.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I wonder if Skz reads their fanfics?? I mean it seems like they go through stan twitter sometimes. Like have you seen Chan catch on to the stupid shit we do as Stays??? That shits wild. Anyways, if you want to believe that the boys were okay, leave now XD I both regret this and don't. This is how I feel like the people who love you will react... And believe me, there is ALWAYS someone who loves you even if you dont want to believe it. This is what stops me from doing what Felix did in this, as what felix says and thinks is genuinely what I think and believe. If you are struggling, even if its hard, find a reason to stay alive. Even if you live for something or someone else, try until you can find a reason to live for yourself. 
> 
> Also, Im sorry for the spelling and grammatical errors in this. While I was able to soldier through the first chapter, writing this whole story was kind of emotionally draining. I honestly never expected that I would lay how I felt out in anyway. I dont nkrmally share how I feel with people, but something about the nature of both Stays as a whole and Skz themselves make me feel both comfortable and safe enough to share. So, thanks for that.

Chan had noticed that Felix had been a little off recently. Of course everyone was stressed, they had a comeback in two weeks and Felix had just broken his ankle while trying to perform one of the moves. The boys should have known when certain choreographies would have been just a bit too much, but they were all eager and desperate to impress. Felix was down and Chan took it upon himself to take care of his younger member. He was the leader after all, and even if he wasn't the younger Aussie boy was practically his little brother at this point. Chan almost couldn't help but to look after Felix. 

When Chan sent Felix home he could feel that something was off. His eyes combed over Felix to find something out of place. The dark circles and messy hair wasn't new. Nobody cared too much about making themselves look nice unless there was a plan to show up on camera in some way. Stays knew they worked hard and probably didn't sleep much, but they didn't want to show their beloved fans just how bad it actually was. 

He should have known. He was the leader. It was his job to take care of the others. 

 

He had failed. 

 

When the boys were on the way home, Chan had sent them to go and get Felix's favorite. Chan would go on ahead and make sure Felix was feeling well enough for the mood the rest of the boys were currently in.

That was his excuse. They had gotten home and upon standing outside their door Chan just knew something was wrong. Something was off and he could feel it. 

Chan unlocked the door and walked in. 

 

The dorm smelled faintly of tea, Felix had probably made some to help him sleep. A common practice among a good portion of the boys. Chan felt slightly better, but he still couldn't put the lingering feeling of something inherently wrong about the situation. This should be normal. Felix did this often when he was sick, but something about this time was screaming at him… something was wrong. He just couldn't quite place what.

 

Maybe it was the look in Felix's eyes earlier that day. Eyes shiny with tears as Chan called for a break. Felix hadn't known that Chan had seen him. He hadn't known that Chan was planning on visiting him earlier. That Chan was going to to home and stay with him, curled up in bed together. The manager had not given him permission. They were big boys, he had said. Felix would be fine. 

Chan begrudgingly agreed.

 

 

Chan checked Felix's room first, though he didn't expect much. Felix often liked to sleep in the other member's beds when he was sick. Chan offhandedly remembered that Felix had said once that it made him feel more comfortable and safe when the others couldn't be around.

 

Chan should have been around. 

 

 

Chan checked his room next. Both he and Changbin shared a room. The both of them being Felix's go to members to cuddle with when he hadn't felt well.

Chan let out a sigh of relief when he saw the small bump of Felix underneath his covers. Music softly drifting through the air. 

Chan walked over to Felix to wake him up. 

 

Thinking back on it, Chan had to laugh. He had expected Felix to turn over groggily and move over. He expected Felix to allow Cham to crawl into bed with him. To allow Chan to hold him and make him feel like he was enough. Felix was enough. There was nothing in the world that would make it so he wasn't. Felix just hadn't quite accepted that yet. Chan had been set on making sure he had. 

He was wrong to assume that Felix would be waking up at all. 

 

 

Chan's hand lightly brushed over Felix's shoulder. A warm gaze from Chan, as he lightly gripped Felix's shoulder and shook him with the utmost care. 

Felix didn't wake up. 

 

“Felix, mate. It's time to get up. The others are comin’ back with some dinner. It's your favorite.”

Felix didn't move.

 

 

 

Chan reached around felix and gently turned him over only to be greeted by the startlingly pale face of Felix. His eyes closed and still swollen. His mouth was slightly open, and when Chan raised a hand to brush felix's hair back, he could feel no breath. 

Chan panicked. 

 

He pulled felix roughly from the covers, a small Orange bottle clicking across the ground. It had fallen from on top of the bed somewhere, its remaining contents now spilled across the ground. There was significantly less than Chan had remembered seeing this morning. 

 

Chan ran his hands up and down felix's body frantically. He didn't know what to do. Was he still breathing? Chan placed his hand on felix's chest, his skin was cold. Chan desperately hoped that it was just Chan's normally warm hands. 

 

There was no heartbeat.

 

 

Felix was gone.

 

 

 

 

The boys came home to Chan's heartbreaking scream ringing loudly from outside the building. They were normally so considerate of their neighbors. Chan most of all, something was obviously wrong.

 

The rushed in as fast as they could, tripping over each other and themselves in their desperate attempt to reach their two precious Aussie members. 

 

The door of the dorm slammed open, the remaining seven members of Stray Kids flooding the entrance of the dorm. Loud sobs could be heard coming from the leader's room, so the boys approached as fast as they could without hurting each other. 

 

 

 

Chan's door was slightly ajar. Changbin pushed the door to his and Chan's room open.

 

 

 

 

Chan sat on the floor, back to the door. An orange bottle sat on the floor, the contents strewn around. Chan was hunched over what appeared to be Felix. The older boy cradling Felix's form and rocking back and forth slightly. His shoulders shook heavily with ever loud sob that come from his mouth. 

The boys were stunned. They had no idea how to react to the situation. One of the members pulled Jeongin away, and that was what started the chaos. 

Jeongin started to yell. He wanted to see what had happened to his hyung. He wanted to hold felix and go to him for comfort. 

He wanted Felix

 

He would never have Felix. 

 

 

 

Changbin made his way into his room, followed by the rest of the boys. Normally they would have playfully complained about how hard it was to fit more than four or five members at a time into the dorm rooms. Now there was nothing but the sound of Chan's sobs and Jeongin's struggles to get back to his hyung. 

Changbin put his hand on Chan's shoulder. The boy stiffened, raised his arm to rub at his face and sniffled. He slowly turned around, his knees knocking hard against the ground and he awkwardly tried to turn himself without lifting felix out of his arms. When they were greeted by Felix's pale face and Chan's heavy tears, one by one the group had put two and two together. 

 

 

 

In Chams haze, he had only just barely someone running out of the room. Their frantic voice carrying through the dorm and surly communicating their panic over the phone.

 

The rest of the boys handled the situation differently. Changbin dropped heavily to his knees, inching over to Chan in order to take felix from Chan's arms. 

Chan just held him tighter.

 

Jisung broke down. He was no longer the sunray of a boy that Felix loved. He was broken. Jisung never let anyone know, but he had felt the way felix did. He had only just barely worked up the courage and will to continue living after joining Stray Kids. He was finally happy, and then his small paradise came crashing down around him. He vaguely remembered stumbling to the bathroom and vomiting. He should have noticed.

 

Hyunjin stood stone still in the doorway. This wasn't happening. There was no way. Just a day or two ago felix had been fine. Sure, he might have been the reason Felix had gotten hurt, but Felix had continued to reassure Hyunjin that all was well and that he had forgiven him. Now that he looked back while felix's eyes glistened with sincerity when reassuring Hyunjin, his eyes were dull when telling HyunJin and the others that he was fine emotionally and physically. He should have noticed.

Minho clung to Hyunjin. Questions running through his mind. Why? He knew Felix was ad. But he didn't think it was this bad. He could tell something had been bothering Felix recently, but he figured that Felix would have gone to someone's like he normally did. This was his fault. He should have noticed.

Seungmin anxiously paced back and forth down the hallway. The emergency services weren't understanding him through his tears. He was frustrated, if they got here quick enough maybe they could save Felix. They had to save Felix. They had to. Seungmin's mind just kept replaying earlier that morning when he had snapped at Felix during dance practice. Felix had been trying to point out some mistakes. Normal things Felix usually did as part of dance line. His deep voice softly and politely pointing out mistakes for Seungmin to fix. He hadn't meant to yell at felix. He was upset at his constant mistakes. It wasn't Felix's fault, it was his. He had seen the hurt in Felix's eyes. He hadn't cared at the moment. He was too upset. He hadn't noticed how Felix's nails dug into his wrist while seungmin blew up at him. He hadn't noticed the uncomfortable look he had once he had gotten back from “getting Jusung”. He should have noticed.

Woojin held Jeongin tightly. He knew that Jeongin was aware of the situation. The smaller struggling boy was all to aware that he had just lost somebody he loved. Woojin as the eldest made it his job to care for the younger members. He had made sure Chan slept at least somewhat regularly, kept the peace between Hyunjin and Minho during dance practices as both boys could become very heated very quickly, he reassured Seungmin about his vocal abilities. He made sure Jisung was comfortable in his own skin, he could tell that the younger was having a hard time. Woojin made sure that Changbin was eating as he sometimes did while working with Chan and Jisung on new songs. He watched out for Jeongin the most, he was the groups baby. Their youngest brother. How had he not noticed that one of his babies were struggling. It was unacceptable that he had let this slip. It was his most important job and he had failed Felix. He should have noticed.

Jeongin like to pretend he knew less than he actually did. He turned a blind eye to most of the struggles that his hyungs went through. He knew that saying this outloud would sound horrible. Jeongin was definitely one of, if not the most perceptive of the group. He saw how hard the older members tried to hide their hardships from him if only let him keep being a kid for just a little bit longer. He used to confront his hyungs about their problems, and while they often eventually begrudgingly shared their problems with him, he knew it made them uncomfortable. He had eventually decided it was best if he just pretended not to notice at all. Maybe after a while he really had just started not noticing. Maybe he should have never stopped.

Changbin was still leaning over Felix and resting his head on Chan's shoulder when the paramedics showed up. He held Chan back when he was kicking and screaming for them to bring Felix back. Changbin was numb. As one of the members closest to Felix, he and Changbin often shared their concerns with each other while they were wrapped in a pile of blanket on his bed. Changbin knew that Felix was not okay. He had spoke to Felix about it. They were supposed to talk to Chan together later that night. He hadn't noticed that it had gotten this bad. Maybe he should have. It was his fault.

Chan couldn't allow himself to feel numb. He felt everything and then some all at once. He had wanted to shut down ages ago, his body and mind unable to process the fact that he had just seen Felix alive a little over two hours before. He had known Felix was struggling. He didn't hide it as well as he thought he did. Chan had been in his place once. Being in an mostly unfamiliar place and feeling like he wasn't good enough. It had taken him seven years to debut as he watch his friends move on and become successful groups as he was left behind. Chan had more than known what it felt like to not feel good enough. He had finally gotten the time and timing right to be able to talk to Felix later that night. He had planned on earlier, but he couldn't argue with the manager. He should have. He should have fought harder. None of his members should have to be alone when they're hurting. His job as a friend and as leader should come before the word of his manager. He should have tried harder, but he didn't. This was his fault. He knew exactly who would blame themselves. He knew that everybody would be beating themselves up. They didn't deserve that guilt, Chan did. It was his fault and his alone. 

 

They never touched Chan's bed after that. They left everything exactly as it was aside from the removal of their clothes from the room. Changbin and Chan moved into the rooms of the other members. The comeback was put off. They were kids dealing with the death of someone that they had grown to love and consider family. They were already forced to act like adults due to their occupation, but they couldn't continue like this. They were just kids. 

 

 

 

 

The boys never found Felix's letters. They had fallen under the bed when Chan had pulled Felix out from under the covers. The eight of them never moved on either, the sudden and unnatural death of someone so close to them caused in part by the stress of their job broke them. 

They never went back. They were nine or none and now that they weren't nine, they were none.


End file.
